Friday, January 14, 2005
George Burns Cigars & Me
GEORGE BURNS'CIGARS & ME
About 2 decades ago, when I trekked down from Toronto 2 LA, I met a sweet power gentleman at the Variety Children's Charity Telethon where I was volunteering.
He invited me 2 lunch with his friends. He said it would only take an hour. They were lunching with an old friend, a pal with a great personality. He said I could not pass this op up. So, trek I did.
His limo driver drove all of us 2 the Hillcrest Country Club N the LA/Beverly Hills area of town.
As we entered & were escorted 2 a round table 2 meet his pal, I couldn't believe my heart. "Great personality" was an understatement. The pal was George Burns.
He extended his hand 4 mine, kissed it & said: "Hey, I'm Nathan Birnbaum!"
I was baffled. He said: "Don't worry, kid. That's just my real name... Half of life is the truth, the rest is show biz."
Indeed, it was Mr. Burns. He invited me 2 sit next 2 him.
I said: "Mr. Burns, R U flirting with me?"
He said: "Hey, boys, I still got it!"
I said: "U better keep it 'cause I'm 2 old 4 U."
He laughed & ordered us all a round of his favorite then: double martinis as he relit his cigar.
That one hour quickie lunch turned N2 3 hours, during which time Mr. Burns completely corrupted me... humorously speaking.
After my 1st sip of the martini, he offered me a Cuban... cigar that is.
I said: "I don't smoke."
He said: "No problem, I'll teach U, kid." & so he did.
Since I adore humorous chattery, we laughed a lot, exchanging roll-N-the aisles repartee.
As 2 the cigar, after my initial gagging, Mr. Burns taught me his method of puffing.
I told him that I heard he never inhales. He said: "That's crazy! Y waste a good smoke?. Besides, I can't die 'til I'm 100 or else Gracie would box my ears if I went up early. So, I intend 2 live it up while I'm here! Y not?"
"Also, I can't die... I'm booked!"
As he ordered yet another round of doubles 4 the table, I told him: "I agree. I can't ever get sick, I've got stuff 2 create. Also, I can't afford American Health Insurance, so laughter better B the best medicine! It's the cheapest & the most fun!"
Chatting on about cigars (Not the Clinton/Monica variety) he said: "I smoke cheap cigars when I do a show 'cause they don't go out, but a real Cuban has 2 B relit".
I said: "I'll keep that N mind when I next break bread & a stogie with Fidel!"
The waitress came again 4 our lunch food orders. Mr. Burns asked her: "What's got the most preservatives? At my age I need all I can get."
He ordered a cup of beef broth & ordered another round as I finally finished my 1st cigar.
Mr. Burns said: "U R a natural, I'll order U a box."
I said: "My stuff is being shipped down from Toronto, so I'll have plenty of boxes."
He said: "I meant a box of Cubans"
I said "Don't U mean a boat of Cubans?"
He laughed as I left 4 the ladies' room. I didn't have 2 pee but I needed a laugh break 2 ask my eyes N the mirror: "Is this really 4 real? 4 real? Am I really out there sitting next 2 one of my comedy idols exchanging non-stop one liners?"
Knowing it was 4 real, I locked myself N2 a stall, pulled out a notepad that I always carry & started furiously scribbling notes & quotes from what just occurred. I didn't want 2 miss a single syllable.
When I returned 2 the table, my bowl of chowder was waiting. I never order a real meal when I'm with someone interesting. If U chew, U can't chat.
Mr. Burns said he made a call & my gifts were on their way.
At that point, halfway thru our lunch party, I chose not 2 ask what the gifts were... it was all so surreal from moment one.
Instead I asked: "What keeps U going? What's your secret?
Mr. Burns told me: "All the guys & doctors who told me how 2 live R dead. Glad I never listened 2 them. I drink 9 double martinis a day (I don't count the other booze) & been smoking about 20 cigars a day since I was 8 years old. All those guys R dead, & I'm alive sitting here with U. What does that tell U?"
Again, I asked 4 his secret of a long life.
Mr. Burns reiterated: "Besides Gracie not letting me N upstairs 'til I'm 100, my secret is 2 stay away from everyone who wants 2 make U afraid 2 live like U wanna live... & always laugh a lot. Never B afraid! That'll kill U faster than any vice."
"Every doctor who tried 2 scare me away from martinis & cigars is dead now, so what does that tell ya?"
He then ordered another round & lit up my 2nd Cuban & said: "You're very funny, kid. Wanna open 4 me N Vegas?"
I said: "I have no material 4 a stand-up comedy act."
Mr. Burns said: "No problem, U can sit down. Just talk about yourself. U R the material. Every great comedian talks about their life & the way they C it. Except 4 Berle who uses what other people C 4 his jokes."
The whole table laughed at that one, me 2 as I had heard stories about Mr. Berle.
Unfortunately re Mr. Burns Opening Act offer, I have a disabling disability: I am creatively passionate BUT not aggressively ambitious. What dueling dichotomies they R 4 my life.
At that point, Mr. Burns turned & motioned 2 a fellow entering the dining area. He was carrying a large box that was directed 2 B given 2 me.
I asked: "Y? It's not my birthday!"
Mr. Burns said: "When U get 2 a certain stage N life like me, every day U wake up, it's a birthday!"
I opened the box & inside were 2 beautiful crystal cigar ashtrays... & a box of Cuban cigars!"
I was shocked!
I told Mr. Burns that nobody will believe this!
He said: "Who cares? 'Sides, I've been watching U take notes on that pad of paper under the table, so U know it's true. N life, people believe what they want 2 believe. Like with my life, half is true, the rest is show biz."
I said: "But this these are real crystal ashtrays & a box of Cubans that I'm holding."
Mr. Burns said: "Then I guess it's true."
Mr. Burns & I got together for several more luncheons & dinners, one including the grand diva of comedic divas, Carol Channing.
I luv that man, Mr. Burns... what a wonderful inspiration!
U may be asking why I am selling this keepsake of mine.
Answer: I doubt if I have that long 2 live, I have no heirs nor cigar smoking buddies (only cig smokers) 2 will it 2... & I want it passed on 2 a true fan of George Burns... or a comedic cigar smoker like Letterman, Schwarzenegger or Charlie Sheen, etc...
Sorry, I savored all the Cubans (not Fidel) but I do have the cigar BURNS ashtray. Bid if U enjoy & want 2 flick your ash N it
!Krystiahn
About 2 decades ago, when I trekked down from Toronto 2 LA, I met a sweet power gentleman at the Variety Children's Charity Telethon where I was volunteering.
He invited me 2 lunch with his friends. He said it would only take an hour. They were lunching with an old friend, a pal with a great personality. He said I could not pass this op up. So, trek I did.
His limo driver drove all of us 2 the Hillcrest Country Club N the LA/Beverly Hills area of town.
As we entered & were escorted 2 a round table 2 meet his pal, I couldn't believe my heart. "Great personality" was an understatement. The pal was George Burns.
He extended his hand 4 mine, kissed it & said: "Hey, I'm Nathan Birnbaum!"
I was baffled. He said: "Don't worry, kid. That's just my real name... Half of life is the truth, the rest is show biz."
Indeed, it was Mr. Burns. He invited me 2 sit next 2 him.
I said: "Mr. Burns, R U flirting with me?"
He said: "Hey, boys, I still got it!"
I said: "U better keep it 'cause I'm 2 old 4 U."
He laughed & ordered us all a round of his favorite then: double martinis as he relit his cigar.
That one hour quickie lunch turned N2 3 hours, during which time Mr. Burns completely corrupted me... humorously speaking.
After my 1st sip of the martini, he offered me a Cuban... cigar that is.
I said: "I don't smoke."
He said: "No problem, I'll teach U, kid." & so he did.
Since I adore humorous chattery, we laughed a lot, exchanging roll-N-the aisles repartee.
As 2 the cigar, after my initial gagging, Mr. Burns taught me his method of puffing.
I told him that I heard he never inhales. He said: "That's crazy! Y waste a good smoke?. Besides, I can't die 'til I'm 100 or else Gracie would box my ears if I went up early. So, I intend 2 live it up while I'm here! Y not?"
"Also, I can't die... I'm booked!"
As he ordered yet another round of doubles 4 the table, I told him: "I agree. I can't ever get sick, I've got stuff 2 create. Also, I can't afford American Health Insurance, so laughter better B the best medicine! It's the cheapest & the most fun!"
Chatting on about cigars (Not the Clinton/Monica variety) he said: "I smoke cheap cigars when I do a show 'cause they don't go out, but a real Cuban has 2 B relit".
I said: "I'll keep that N mind when I next break bread & a stogie with Fidel!"
The waitress came again 4 our lunch food orders. Mr. Burns asked her: "What's got the most preservatives? At my age I need all I can get."
He ordered a cup of beef broth & ordered another round as I finally finished my 1st cigar.
Mr. Burns said: "U R a natural, I'll order U a box."
I said: "My stuff is being shipped down from Toronto, so I'll have plenty of boxes."
He said: "I meant a box of Cubans"
I said "Don't U mean a boat of Cubans?"
He laughed as I left 4 the ladies' room. I didn't have 2 pee but I needed a laugh break 2 ask my eyes N the mirror: "Is this really 4 real? 4 real? Am I really out there sitting next 2 one of my comedy idols exchanging non-stop one liners?"
Knowing it was 4 real, I locked myself N2 a stall, pulled out a notepad that I always carry & started furiously scribbling notes & quotes from what just occurred. I didn't want 2 miss a single syllable.
When I returned 2 the table, my bowl of chowder was waiting. I never order a real meal when I'm with someone interesting. If U chew, U can't chat.
Mr. Burns said he made a call & my gifts were on their way.
At that point, halfway thru our lunch party, I chose not 2 ask what the gifts were... it was all so surreal from moment one.
Instead I asked: "What keeps U going? What's your secret?
Mr. Burns told me: "All the guys & doctors who told me how 2 live R dead. Glad I never listened 2 them. I drink 9 double martinis a day (I don't count the other booze) & been smoking about 20 cigars a day since I was 8 years old. All those guys R dead, & I'm alive sitting here with U. What does that tell U?"
Again, I asked 4 his secret of a long life.
Mr. Burns reiterated: "Besides Gracie not letting me N upstairs 'til I'm 100, my secret is 2 stay away from everyone who wants 2 make U afraid 2 live like U wanna live... & always laugh a lot. Never B afraid! That'll kill U faster than any vice."
"Every doctor who tried 2 scare me away from martinis & cigars is dead now, so what does that tell ya?"
He then ordered another round & lit up my 2nd Cuban & said: "You're very funny, kid. Wanna open 4 me N Vegas?"
I said: "I have no material 4 a stand-up comedy act."
Mr. Burns said: "No problem, U can sit down. Just talk about yourself. U R the material. Every great comedian talks about their life & the way they C it. Except 4 Berle who uses what other people C 4 his jokes."
The whole table laughed at that one, me 2 as I had heard stories about Mr. Berle.
Unfortunately re Mr. Burns Opening Act offer, I have a disabling disability: I am creatively passionate BUT not aggressively ambitious. What dueling dichotomies they R 4 my life.
At that point, Mr. Burns turned & motioned 2 a fellow entering the dining area. He was carrying a large box that was directed 2 B given 2 me.
I asked: "Y? It's not my birthday!"
Mr. Burns said: "When U get 2 a certain stage N life like me, every day U wake up, it's a birthday!"
I opened the box & inside were 2 beautiful crystal cigar ashtrays... & a box of Cuban cigars!"
I was shocked!
I told Mr. Burns that nobody will believe this!
He said: "Who cares? 'Sides, I've been watching U take notes on that pad of paper under the table, so U know it's true. N life, people believe what they want 2 believe. Like with my life, half is true, the rest is show biz."
I said: "But this these are real crystal ashtrays & a box of Cubans that I'm holding."
Mr. Burns said: "Then I guess it's true."
Mr. Burns & I got together for several more luncheons & dinners, one including the grand diva of comedic divas, Carol Channing.
I luv that man, Mr. Burns... what a wonderful inspiration!
U may be asking why I am selling this keepsake of mine.
Answer: I doubt if I have that long 2 live, I have no heirs nor cigar smoking buddies (only cig smokers) 2 will it 2... & I want it passed on 2 a true fan of George Burns... or a comedic cigar smoker like Letterman, Schwarzenegger or Charlie Sheen, etc...
Sorry, I savored all the Cubans (not Fidel) but I do have the cigar BURNS ashtray. Bid if U enjoy & want 2 flick your ash N it
!Krystiahn
