Heartlites by Krystiahn

George Burns Cigars & Me

GEORGE BURNS'CIGARS & ME
About 2 decades ago, when I trekked down from Toronto 2 LA, I met a sweet power gentleman at the Variety Children's Charity Telethon where I was volunteering.
He invited me 2 lunch with his friends. He said it would only take an hour. They were lunching with an old friend, a pal with a great personality. He said I could not pass this op up. So, trek I did.
His limo driver drove all of us 2 the Hillcrest Country Club N the LA/Beverly Hills area of town.
As we entered & were escorted 2 a round table 2 meet his pal, I couldn't believe my heart. "Great personality" was an understatement. The pal was George Burns.
He extended his hand 4 mine, kissed it & said: "Hey, I'm Nathan Birnbaum!"
I was baffled. He said: "Don't worry, kid. That's just my real name... Half of life is the truth, the rest is show biz."
Indeed, it was Mr. Burns. He invited me 2 sit next 2 him.
I said: "Mr. Burns, R U flirting with me?"
He said: "Hey, boys, I still got it!"
I said: "U better keep it 'cause I'm 2 old 4 U."
He laughed & ordered us all a round of his favorite then: double martinis as he relit his cigar.
That one hour quickie lunch turned N2 3 hours, during which time Mr. Burns completely corrupted me... humorously speaking.
After my 1st sip of the martini, he offered me a Cuban... cigar that is.
I said: "I don't smoke."
He said: "No problem, I'll teach U, kid." & so he did.
Since I adore humorous chattery, we laughed a lot, exchanging roll-N-the aisles repartee.
As 2 the cigar, after my initial gagging, Mr. Burns taught me his method of puffing.
I told him that I heard he never inhales. He said: "That's crazy! Y waste a good smoke?. Besides, I can't die 'til I'm 100 or else Gracie would box my ears if I went up early. So, I intend 2 live it up while I'm here! Y not?"
"Also, I can't die... I'm booked!"
As he ordered yet another round of doubles 4 the table, I told him: "I agree. I can't ever get sick, I've got stuff 2 create. Also, I can't afford American Health Insurance, so laughter better B the best medicine! It's the cheapest & the most fun!"
Chatting on about cigars (Not the Clinton/Monica variety) he said: "I smoke cheap cigars when I do a show 'cause they don't go out, but a real Cuban has 2 B relit".
I said: "I'll keep that N mind when I next break bread & a stogie with Fidel!"
The waitress came again 4 our lunch food orders. Mr. Burns asked her: "What's got the most preservatives? At my age I need all I can get."
He ordered a cup of beef broth & ordered another round as I finally finished my 1st cigar.
Mr. Burns said: "U R a natural, I'll order U a box."
I said: "My stuff is being shipped down from Toronto, so I'll have plenty of boxes."
He said: "I meant a box of Cubans"
I said "Don't U mean a boat of Cubans?"
He laughed as I left 4 the ladies' room. I didn't have 2 pee but I needed a laugh break 2 ask my eyes N the mirror: "Is this really 4 real? 4 real? Am I really out there sitting next 2 one of my comedy idols exchanging non-stop one liners?"
Knowing it was 4 real, I locked myself N2 a stall, pulled out a notepad that I always carry & started furiously scribbling notes & quotes from what just occurred. I didn't want 2 miss a single syllable.
When I returned 2 the table, my bowl of chowder was waiting. I never order a real meal when I'm with someone interesting. If U chew, U can't chat.
Mr. Burns said he made a call & my gifts were on their way.
At that point, halfway thru our lunch party, I chose not 2 ask what the gifts were... it was all so surreal from moment one.
Instead I asked: "What keeps U going? What's your secret?
Mr. Burns told me: "All the guys & doctors who told me how 2 live R dead. Glad I never listened 2 them. I drink 9 double martinis a day (I don't count the other booze) & been smoking about 20 cigars a day since I was 8 years old. All those guys R dead, & I'm alive sitting here with U. What does that tell U?"
Again, I asked 4 his secret of a long life.
Mr. Burns reiterated: "Besides Gracie not letting me N upstairs 'til I'm 100, my secret is 2 stay away from everyone who wants 2 make U afraid 2 live like U wanna live... & always laugh a lot. Never B afraid! That'll kill U faster than any vice."
"Every doctor who tried 2 scare me away from martinis & cigars is dead now, so what does that tell ya?"
He then ordered another round & lit up my 2nd Cuban & said: "You're very funny, kid. Wanna open 4 me N Vegas?"
I said: "I have no material 4 a stand-up comedy act."
Mr. Burns said: "No problem, U can sit down. Just talk about yourself. U R the material. Every great comedian talks about their life & the way they C it. Except 4 Berle who uses what other people C 4 his jokes."
The whole table laughed at that one, me 2 as I had heard stories about Mr. Berle.
Unfortunately re Mr. Burns Opening Act offer, I have a disabling disability: I am creatively passionate BUT not aggressively ambitious. What dueling dichotomies they R 4 my life.
At that point, Mr. Burns turned & motioned 2 a fellow entering the dining area. He was carrying a large box that was directed 2 B given 2 me.
I asked: "Y? It's not my birthday!"
Mr. Burns said: "When U get 2 a certain stage N life like me, every day U wake up, it's a birthday!"
I opened the box & inside were 2 beautiful crystal cigar ashtrays... & a box of Cuban cigars!"
I was shocked!
I told Mr. Burns that nobody will believe this!
He said: "Who cares? 'Sides, I've been watching U take notes on that pad of paper under the table, so U know it's true. N life, people believe what they want 2 believe. Like with my life, half is true, the rest is show biz."
I said: "But this these are real crystal ashtrays & a box of Cubans that I'm holding."
Mr. Burns said: "Then I guess it's true."
Mr. Burns & I got together for several more luncheons & dinners, one including the grand diva of comedic divas, Carol Channing.
I luv that man, Mr. Burns... what a wonderful inspiration!
U may be asking why I am selling this keepsake of mine.
Answer: I doubt if I have that long 2 live, I have no heirs nor cigar smoking buddies (only cig smokers) 2 will it 2... & I want it passed on 2 a true fan of George Burns... or a comedic cigar smoker like Letterman, Schwarzenegger or Charlie Sheen, etc...
Sorry, I savored all the Cubans (not Fidel) but I do have the cigar BURNS ashtray. Bid if U enjoy & want 2 flick your ash N it

!Krystiahn

What's Driving Miss Myrtle?

Giggilo Junction is one of my many nicknames 4 this small town I live N.
It's a dream job site 4 hunky Handy Men who like 2 get hammered & nail rich widows, divorcees, or lonely $$$-ed wives of golfing husbands. As a bonus, being a Handy Man here is the biggest cash-only career N town.
I've known Miss Myrtle, a horny Southern belle N her 70s ... 4 several years now. This past summer, she invited me over 2 her estate because, as she drooled N2 the phone: "Come on over, It will B a really hot day!"
I knew what Miss Myrtle meant.
As we sat on her porch N rocking chairs, sipping her Mint Juleps that she strongly luved, & luved them only when they were strong, she announced 2 me that "The show was already N progress!"
With that, she swept her jewel encrusted fingers 4 me 2 savour the vista. It was HOT. She had hired 3 hunky shirtless & very tanned handymen 2 repair her already perfect white picket fence.
Miss Myrtle then unflapped her lace fan & rang her gentile silver bell with the other hand. I asked her "Y the fan?" as there was a luvly cool breeze. She leaned N & whispered: "It's gonna get hotter."
Miss Myrtle was right. Like salmon answering the call of a gushing cold stream, the 3 glistening hunks paraded toward her left side. There she kept a giant cooler stocked with the best beers.
As the teasing trio flexed their shiney muscles dripping with sweat & grabbed cold ones then sat/posed on her porch 4 their long beer break, I leaned N 2 Myrtle & agreed: "The is a hot day after all. " & added: "So, I guess this Bud is 4 U!"
Miss Myrtle winked & purred: "Indeed, child, but which bud?"

Moral: U R never 2 old 2 B a Lusty Lady!

2 B continued ...

**HEARTLITE Thot 4 The Day:
"Older men R more attractive than older women because women let them live their illusion"

Luv & hugs & smiles from
krystiahn

Lean Mean Media Cuisine

Hi, Blog Buddies!

Have U noticed how sexist the marketing media gangs R?
I sure have.
4 Instance:
Y R guys encouraged 2 buy "Hungry Man XXL Dinners" ... but never women?
Maybe I've missed those ads 4 HungryWomen 2 eat XXL Meals? Have U seen them?
Y R only women guilted N2 buying "LeanCuisine" ... but never the guys?

Y R only white women the target N every diet food, diet drug & weight loss machine ad & Nfomercial? .. but never black women?
Is it because our Black Sisters have higher self-esteem & appreciation 4 their bodies & booties than us white women? Possibly & probably true.

Also, have U ladies ever noticed that when we C glam gals N mags, we panic & think: If only I was skinnier, younger, taller or shorter, or blonder or whatever ... then I'd B wonderful!!! Even tho we all know about botox, computer enhancement, etc, .....
Yet guys C a great looking guy N a mag or on TV, & they think "big Deal! He's gay! I'm perfect! Where's my pizza?"

Even the sit-com families... the guys R usually cast 2 B overweight, but they always have skinny wives & tiny kids .... as if they flowed from a different Gene Pool - maybe the gardeners?
Except 4 Roseanne where she hired an actor 2 play her husband who was even bigger than she was ... but still with skinny kids. There's not one wife or child on TV (male or female) who is overweight. Y is that?

Wonder if there shall ever B a sitcom with a heavy woman & a punny guy & kids with weight issues ... even anorexia?

Also, N any town, the teen gal thinks she has 2 B pencil thin with jean waists sitting below their navel .... yet the teen guys R chuncky, showing their blubbery butt crack, underwear & their jeans' waist near their thighs & crotch near their knees. The logic of it all is so screwed up.

Perhaps one day, females will stop thinking they have 2 please an illusion ... & guys will give up the illusion of their perfection.

4 The Record, I'm not a feminist, I'm a Humanist .... because I feel so much simple Humanity is lacking N our everyday society.

What do U think?

Luv & hugs
krystiahn

Kickin' Holiday The Bye Bye Bucket

Dear Blog Buddies,

A few Christmases ago, I felt my days were doomed 2 B lived out N my tiny room N a small local residential motel N town. It was newly bought & trashed by a baffled druggie wherein Water & Electric were frequently cancelled 'cause the guy forgot their bills were a reality. Not a bad drug trip vision.
My tiny alimony checks were never on time so I couldn't rent a real home & my art & writing & memories were stuffed N a local storage unit, the motel phones didn't work, I didn't have a Cell & my computer was N a coma ... great 4 me whose career is based N communication.
I was feasting on instant mashed potatoes as the food stamps ran out, plus the only jobs N town paid no salary as they were (& R) all taken by rich wives who just want something 2 do 2 aleviate boredom.
OK. So as I'm coiled up N bed watching another rerun of "It's A Wonderful Life" while hoping 2 avoid yet another sappy Hallmark TV Moment reminding me that I don't have a family 2 run home 2 embrace ... 2 teen boys who lived N the next door motel room with their drug dealing parents decided 2 have contest: Which one could fart out Jingle Bells the best.
I jumped outta bed & silently screamed: That's It! I want outta this Roach Motel & 2 go home 2 heaven! Now! I need a break!
Being an organized lady, I jumped outta bed & with bleary eyes I began writing my 2-Do list 4 my Departure. Then a BOLT struck!
I recalled living N 3 haunted places during my life. Ohoh!!!
I panicked thinking: if I die here, I do NOT want 2 haunt this dump 4 the next 2 centuries!
But where do I go 2 end/begin it all? & (being a fashioable me) What do I wear???
I thot "Lady Spirits N White" have been highly over done.
I wanted 2 wear red. Perhaps chiffon. A fitted top with a furled shirt, & definitely Manolo red heels.
I felt I positively HAD 2 get my hair & nails done as they'd have 2 last me a looooong time.
Then eternal pantihose & everlasting lip gloss & mascara.
OK! Costume done!
Next: where? Where do I end/begin it all???
Maybe the local beautifully landscaped country club N town?
Nah! 2 many snobs, gossips & golf addicts. Besides the food doesn't smell great enough 2 die 4 (literally).
Next, being a humanitarian, perhaps I should go 2 the local hospital, N my red chiffon, Manolo shoes, all gussied up, & end/begin it all on their doorstep with a note pinned 2 my dress saying: "Take my body parts, please"
Then I thot: 4get it! I don't want 2 haunt a hospital! I hate hospitals! It would B full of sick ghosts N backless gowns all mad 'cause they can't sue their doctors 4 malpractice.
Next? Aha! I'll buy a flight 2 Donald Trump's mansion club N Florida, Regis sure luvs it, & end it there! What better place 2 haunt? I might even meet up with a handsome tuxedo-ed guy ghost & dance the decades away!
OK. Sounds good. Style side taken care of!
Now, 4 my practical side: I must write my will & leave my storage 2 a couple friends. It held over 5,000 paintings, all my writing & sculpture & glam clothes & momentos.
But, I thot: they can't afford the storage fees!!!
Then I thot: Heck! I can't afford the storage fees 4 them either .... plus the red dress, the Manolo shooes, the hair-do, maicure, the flight 2 Florida .... etc.
Realizing I couldn't even afford 2 die N this rich, cheap small town, I crawled back N2 bed watched another rerun of Charlie Brown's Christmas ... & still wanted 2 throttle Lucy 4 being such a cartoon bitch... & silently sang:
All I Want 4 Christmas Is My Next Month's Rent & 4 me 2 have a Reason 2 B Living.
I then prayed 2 awaken & learn Y God still wants me here.
Sure my friends say they need me 4 my laughter, inspiration. creativity, luv & kindness ... but that's sure not a job op N the Help Wanted Columns or on Craigslist.Com.
But I'm still alive N this wacky small town, livin' N a sweet little rental & chattin' with U on the Net thanx 2 my Earth Angels, so I guess there is a reason 4 us all.
Tho, I still don't have a clue as 2 Y I is! (smiles)

MORAL: Even when we De-Earth it's still all about
Location, Location, Location!

2 B Continued

& There U go
krytiahn

Morning AM Mayhem

Howdy, Heart Lites!

It’s so easy for us humans to complexicate simplicity when we’re bombarded with Earthian madness and media confusion and illusions. Especially in a society that keeps telling us: What’s in your bank account and material stash is more important than what’s in your heart.

It’s often a daily choosing of which attitude I’ll imagine for the day. For me, the best morning booster is to NOT turn on the TV news and be slaughtered with all the local and world problems that exploded while I was sleeping, & I’m not prepared to resolve while still in my jammies.

And I do not look at all the beautiful morning anchors, especially the incredibly divine Diane Sawyer, while I am still rubbing sleep out of my eyes, stumbling in to pee and then nuking a cup of coffee, unless I keep remembering: Diane has already been into hair, make-up and wardrobe for over an hour and getting paid millions to be there on time.

My only Saving Grace for everyday is to capture at least 10 minutes every morning before the world interrupts me with it’s onslaught of frantic nonsense over my nuked coffee ... the best hideout for me is the shower (my cosmic phone booth).

There I chat with my Angels, as in:

“OK, Gang! What are we going to do today? What’s the assignment? Cheer somebody up? Help someone laugh? Call and listen to a friend? Paint a painting? Do the laundry? What’s it all about, Alfie Angels?”

Then I hush up and listen.

After that I start counting my blessings, no matter how small they may seem. Like: “Thank you for the sheets I just slept on, the hot water that trinkled out of the shower, the food I have to feed my cats, the roof over my head, the quality friends who luv me and I luv, the ability to walk and see and sense… the nuked coffee & the wherewithal 2 communicate on my computer.”
It is so easy to take what we have for granted, be it a tramp or a Trump. Each in our own way, if we only view our spiritual assets, we have soooo much to be grateful for!

Like: True friends (tho they may be few but loyal), a roof to harbor our bodies (though it may be a one-roomer and not a mansion) and food though it may be Mac & Cheese and not Wolfgang Puck’s Take Out.

Each in our own way, we need to deal the cards we are dealt… be it Jokers or Aces. Hey! At least we have a Hand 2 Hold N The Game!

Play your cards as if you are the King or Queen of Hearts!

The Laughter Pastor

Hullo there,

I casually call myself the Laughter Pastor of The Church of Chuckles as I believe the best sense God gave us is our sense of humor... that's so that our other senses can enjoy themselves.

Besides, Laughter is the best medicine ... it better B because I sure can't afford health insurance.

Actually I do visit the Comedy Central Clinic & C Dr. SNL when available.

U might want 2 check out my book:
"It Ain't Easy Makin' Life Tough... How 2 Laugh At Stuff That Made U Cry"
U can find it via http://aint.krystiahn.com
It's free 2 read 4 now!!!... & if it's meant 2 read, it'll B a breeze! & so it is!

I wish I could recommend chapters 4 U 2 read, but I don't know U yet.
So, on the assumption that U R a nice optimistic person, U might want 2 check out Chap 41 "Imagine", or #17 "Killjoys Are Creative, Too" ... or even #28 2 know more about me... or #1 2 know more about U!

When we connect & U want 2 chat... message me... obviously, I am here!

Plus: If U R artisticly inclined, my art site is www.krystiahn.com